This blog is dedicated to my son, J, who has ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). After each challenges that we faced in our journey with J, just like after a storm, comes sunshine, that "light" shines brightly in J's life. And after that storm and sunshine, we see Rainbow. Rainbow is God's promises. That's when we see HOPE.
"I wait for the LORD, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope." - Psalm 130:5
One of J's favourite activity was to bake. I am glad I had introduced baking to him.
Teacher's Day Gift
Baking Blueberry Cupcakes for his teachers
at his Early Intervention Centre last year
If you google the "Benefits of Baking with Preschool Children", there will be lots of articles on that! But for our child with sensory challenges especially to touch, it is good to expose them to baking. Baking alone encompasses many benefits, in regards to motor skills.
Hone their fine motor skills - Eye-Hand coordination or even hand strengthening when pressing dough or even squeezing the icing bag.
Stimulate the senses, feeling the texture of the different ingredients - butter, egg, flour, sugar, etc.
Bilateral Coordination when rolling the dough, sifting the flour, etc.
Spatial perception and Organisation Skills, when cutting cookies or sifting the flour into the bowl and not out of the bowl.
Listening and Understanding Instructions.
Fine motor skills, Bilateral Coordination,
Spatial Awareness, Organisation skills
Listening and Understanding instructions
And there are those benefits pertaining to
Pre-literacy skills - When we read from the recipe, the child realises those are words. Or even introduction of the different baking accessories.
Math - Learning the numbers and fraction from the recipe, e.g. three-quarter and counting, e.g. the number of eggs we are going to put. We can even learn about Time while setting the timer - How long is the baking time?
Social Interaction and Communication - When we talk to our child about the recipe that we are going to bake. Or he might ask questions. We can even talk about where we can sell the cakes, cookies, etc. Invoke some "What-ifs, What happens, What do you think?"
Science - What happens when the flour, butter and sugar are mixed together?
Responsibility - Teaching about washing hands before baking, wearing apron and cleaning up.
Patience - Waiting for the cake to be ready.
Safety and Danger Awareness - Showing him how hot oven is and why we should not touch the oven.
Teaching about Danger Awareness, Responsibility and Patience
And all these are even enhanced when our child does it with another friend. That will also teach them about turn taking, team work and the list goes on.
Most importantly, Having fun and bonding while baking. I love it!
Of course! There were those initial times when he might have some sensory challenges in touching those ingredients. Well! I believe in exposing him. The thing is, if he insists that he does not want to touch certain ingredients because of some sensory challenges, I would not force him and I will just do it for him. And then, tell him the goodness of how it feels. And try again the next time.
That happened initially, he did not want to touch the flour. I did not force him and I told him how soft flour feels and what flour is used for. I then invited him to try and touch it. There were the first few times when he said "No". I just left it as that and I tried again the next time we do baking. And eventually, he was willing to touch the flour.
The key thing is to be persistent, be loving and understanding and of course, not to be afraid of messiness.
Since Nov 2016, J would treat his 4 special friends as his "Precious". At times, he might put them to sleep. There was once he took my hub's windbreaker and laid it properly on top of my drawer organiser. After which, he would laid his 4 precious on top of the windbreaker with care, just like what it was shown below.
In case you can't see who they are. From left, there is Kangaroo. It is a tissue box cover. Next is a toy baby. He named her "Felicia" (Such nice name!). Third is a puppet froggy, which he brought it wherever he goes. Lastly, is a grey tom cat, which is no longer working (cables are spoilt and the cat is "bandaged" with black tape) but he just treated them as his precious.
This is only a beginning milestone of his social play - being caring and loving to friends in his play. This is a little progress that I celebrated and which, I am proud of.
However, almost 2 years ago (I knew about his autism in Feb 2015), all these were totally impossible and unthinkable. At that time, since he was 18 months old, he was only interested in playing with 8 blue megablocks and 4 red megablocks, mimicking the opening and closing of lift doors. He never was interested in building train tracks but used the train tracks to make into 4 panel doors.
After reading the book Autism Breakthrough by Raun K. Kaufman, Hub and I started joining him. We were "lifts" after shower, when he would be carried to the room to change or when daddy piggy-backed him. We even mimicked the sound of lift door opening as he was being carried or piggy-backed. I talked to him anything about lift, telling him about how the lift goes up and down, axles and pulleys, button panels, panel-doors, numbers, etc. 2 weeks later, my tears fell when he started to connect train tracks, instead of just making train tracks as lift doors. And few weeks later, he started to build upwards using megablocks. Mid-2016, daddy used Lego to help him build tall buildings with lift and he was receptive to that. These were some of the progress. And the amazing thing is J learned his numbers, alphabets, counting and reading through lifts - the importance of child-led learning - Let the child teach you. We soon realised there are so many things to learn from lifts.
Friends... Do not lose hope! Believe in our children! They are getting better. J's interaction and social awareness skills may still be in progress. At this point, he still could not relate to people yet. But I know, he will get there some day. The photo was the 1st step to being socially aware and it is one of the milestones to be celebrated.
Currently, another 3 friends are added to his team of precious. They are robot, gingerbread man and the dog, which he named "Bark" because it barks.
J had his first Epsom Salt bath this morning. In the evening, I added Lavender Essential Oil. As he is quite big for the small bathtub, his chest was partially submerged. Hence, I had to use a watering can to pour the water over his chest and he enjoyed the soaking and I enjoyed the bonding time because I will ask him to count the number of times (approximately 50 counts) I poured the water over his chest. And there were lots of laughter. Showering became one of his favourite, amidst all the meltdowns, tantrums and behaviours for the day.
With the Lavender Essential Oil and Epsom Salt bath, it will be recommended to have the soak in the evening, which can aid in his sleeping. It is best to use hot water at first to dissolve the Epsom Salt and then, top up with cold water so that the water is warm. Use a handkerchief or wash cloth to rub his body so that the pores can be opened.
J felt so relaxed. And he looked forward to showering time. Showering is never the same again!
Epsom Salt Bath
Why Epsom Salt Bath?
Epsom Salt, also known as Magnesium Sulphate, is composed of Magnesium and Sulphate. Both of these nutrients are low in children on the Autism Spectrum. Many articles on Epsom Salt claim to help in clearing toxin and heavy metal, most believe to be very high in people in the ASD Spectrum. In any way, one of the main components of Magnesium is to relieve stress, which I felt is much more important and helpful. For children on the Autism Spectrum, many times, they find themselves unable to fit into the rules of this world, thus causing them to have very high stress level. They are either in freeze, flight or fight mode. Stress is very harmful to the body. Hence, the Epsom Salt bath, coupled with Lavender Essential Oil, also help in relaxing them. You can read more about it here.
Even for adults, Epsom Salt seems to be very beneficial for us, especially for parents like us, whose kids are autistics or even other special needs parents. Now I regret not having a bathtub! You can read more about it here. We can even used Epsom Salt for beauty, household and gardening.
Where to buy Epsom Salt?
Epsom Salt can be purchased at iHerb and they deliver it right to our doorstep.
In a few hours time, 2016 will be coming to an end. It has been 3 weeks that I have not penned anything down on this blog as I was going through a miscarriage at 6w2d. Since I was a child, December has always been my favourite time of the year because I love the festive moods, I get to celebrate my birthday and Christmas. But this year, it has been a sombre mood.
What Happen?
I had bleeding on 12th Dec 2016. For that whole week, it was a painful week - both physically and emotionally. The cramping pain kept getting more and more intense when day 2 came. For the first 4 days, I was in and out of Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) and Emergency Room (ER). I did not sleep for the 3 nights since Monday. It was torturous. Since Day 1, I already had that inkling feeling that I would lose this baby. The doctor's fear was that this could be an etopic pregnancy because the first ultrasound scan on Monday already showed that there was no gestational sac but partly because my HCG was less than 1500. (In order to view the ultrasound scan, HCG has to be above 1500). So when I was back home, I was crying, dealing with physical cramps, non-stop bleeding and praying that this would not be an etopic pregnancy and if God wills it, that this pregnancy be viable. There was no answer.
On Day 2, I experienced excruciating and terribly unbearable pain. I realised the cramps resembled labour-like contractions. I even passed out clots, which I was not sure how on earth I had the courage to take that clot out from the toilet bowl and examined it.
On Day 3, because of the excruciating and unbearable pain, I was back to the ER at 2 am. However, in the afternoon, based on my HCG reading which has gone down from 731 on Monday to 187 on Wednesday, the Gynae had confirmed the miscarriage. I could not hold back my tears. But the good news was etopic pregnancy was ruled out (Thank God!). I was given oral painkillers and discharged from the ER.
However, on Day 4, I was back to the ER as the oral painkiller was not enough to curb my pain. I was rolling on my bed. While it did led me to drowsiness, when I wanted to close my eyes to sleep (I haven't been sleeping for the past 3 nights), I was awaken by the intense labour-like contractions. In the end, I had overdosage of painkillers. I took 8 painkillers in a span of 9 hours. At the same time, while going through the physical ordeal, I was crying for my lost baby. Finally, the Gynae decided to admit me for 4 days to inject me with a stronger drug because of the number of drug allergies that I have, I could not take the two major pain killers.
After I was injected with the first dosage of that stronger drug, I felt immediate drowsiness and for the first time in this ordeal, I don't feel the labour pain! I literally had forgotten my situation, my physical pain, my emotional pain and my feelings. I just put on my earpiece, turned on Praise & Worship song, immersed in the comfort and presence of God and slept with the music. I felt peace. For 3 days, I was administered the drug day and night before I napped and slept. In fact, for the first time, I was able to sleep through the night till morning. However, it was only on the last night at the hospital that I went back to oral painkiller and I realised I could not sleep through the night. My situation, my emotional pain, mild cramps (much bearable pain) and my feelings all came back.
The Aftermath
After I was discharged on Sunday, also the 7th day of my bleeding but the bleeding has subsided and became brown spotting, I felt I was back to reality. At the same time, I felt weak, perhaps from losing too much blood and the intense pain. I cried in my bedroom, though I was supposed to be on bed rest and sleep. I felt terrible. I felt hurt. I felt pain. I did not want to meet anyone, face to face or talk to anyone. I had this thought - Why Me? I have many questions. I searched the internet for answers - Why did the miscarriage happen? All websites pointed to the fact that it is never my fault. It is not something I ate or I did. It is common to have early pregnancy loss. It could be due to chromosomal defects so the pregnancy could not continue. Miscarriage is the body's natural way to expel defects in the pregnancy.
And later on, I began to talk to God "Why do I have a son who is different and now, I have to lose my baby? Is it not enough for me? Why do I have to go through this? And this has to happen, nearing the end of 2016. God, weren't you the one stirred in Alex and my heart to have a second child? Since 2015, you brought strangers, even in the bus and stirred in me to have a second child. And God, you even told Alex, on separate occasion in 2016, that it is the time now. We have obeyed but only to go through this miscarriage. Why?"
For the whole of 2016, it has been a roller coaster rides of downs and ups with the challenges of J.
As I recalled, from January to April, I was feeling down. Particularly because, during that period, J had lots of aggressive episodes. His father and I were being hit, bit, scratched and pinched. And it was not only us, when we brought him out, he did those aggressive stunts on other babies and children. We were puzzled and had no answers. We did the discipline as well, but it did not work.
Only in end April, through the sermons on "First Love of God" that I began to see hope. That only lasted till August, when in one of the outings, J hurt a girl because she snatched something in his hands. The mum was very upset and she said words that hurt me to the core. After I forgave her, which the Holy Spirit prompted me to, I began to feel better. But there were days that I do feel down but God just reassured me, with the hope.
Then came November, it was this pregnancy. Though hubby and I weren't prepared for it, we still felt happy with this child because we knew that it was God who bless us with this child and led us to have this child. At the same time, I also attended the Son-Rise Program and I saw how I can use the strategy for J, how it met my expectation. I was so excited. In fact, through the course, I have identified the cause of J's aggressive behaviours (we now call it 'Intense Energy').
In early December, right after the course, after dinner, J went to scratch a baby. The mother was extremely upset. The whole episode was very traumatising and we ended up in police station. I felt affected for awhile but I felt for the sake of the pregnancy, I had to be aware of my emotions. Then came the fateful day on 12th Dec 2016, the miscarriage happened.
When I thought of all the events happening in 2016 and the roller coaster rides of emotions, I can't help but asked God "Why?" I even recalled the first time in Feb 2015, when I first knew of J's condition - How lost I was too, at that time.
Jesus, the Healer
There were some friends who asked me "How am I?" or "How are you doing?". There were friends who did not know what truly has happened and there were friends who knew what has happened. It is a simple question but it brought me lots of tears and thoughts. For those who knew what has happened. How should I answer? Do I tell them what they want to hear or do I tell them the truth? For both groups of friends, I just answer a matter-of-factly "OK". But am I really OK?
Perhaps physically, I am. My bleeding has stopped. Pain has more or less subsided. But what is left is the "after-birth" ailments like mild cramps - I guess the uterus is trying to go back to normal size. But which has caused the backache and fatigue - I am easily tired and sleepy. At times, I am dizzy too, which I almost blackout, perhaps due to the loss of blood, even just standing.
Emotionally? Not really. Because I had been talking to God since the day I was hospitalised, yet no answer. And I was dealing with different emotions all at the same time.
There were some friends who asked me "What happened?" And for some of the friends, I told them what happened. After I disclosed to them about the miscarriage and the unexpected physical pains and emotional turmoil in this miscarriage, I was surprised that they had been through miscarriages as well - Some 1 miscarriage and some 2 miscarriages. But the Lord has restored them and they are blessed with beautiful and healthy child(ren) after that. They told me the emotional pains that they went through as well and how broken they were. And that made me felt I was not alone.
One friend told me she just wanted to be a human, to allow herself to grieve, doubt, question and tell God how she felt. All feelings are neither right nor wrong. Even to be angry [I never felt anger]. God needs to hear us as we are authentic. He is our Father. But do remember to tell him to hold my hand, tell him I want to trust but are struggling.
Another friend told me it is ok that I am not ready to meet people and I don't have to. The big comforter is God himself. He alone will supply the healing and grant me peace in the storm. A lost is a lost. It is important to grief. Ask God to help me be restored and to give me a word.
With these words, I began to open up to God. Yes! He is my Father in Heaven. He wants to hear me, to tell him my human feelings, how I felt - miserable, upset, lost. I asked God to put all these feelings at the feet of Jesus, I asked God to comfort me because he is my biggest comforter, to grant me peace, to hold my hand, to restore my health, to restore me. I trust in God. I trust in his timing. I asked for the word.
2 verses came:
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)
These are verses that I memorised, applied it in other situations, even in my journey with J. It encouraged and worked for me, yet when I suffered this miscarriage, I couldn't understand how it is to be applied in this situation. I just lost a baby! I could only fathom Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." I questioned myself, "How am I to submit to him" in my miscarriage, with all the overwhelming emotions? I prayed and asked God.
On Christmas Eve, 24th Dec 2016, I was stirred to read the Book of Job. I had read this book before but in the middle of the chapters, I seemed lost especially the conversations between Job and his friends. However, I decided to read it all over again. This time, my understanding deepened. Just as Job felt grief, I am grieving too. And I saw this verse, that speaks to my situation and how I should praise God, even with my miscarriage.
"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; May the name of the LORD be praised." - Job 1:21 (NIV)
I felt compelled to finish reading this whole book of Job, which I used to feel lost. This time, I, in fact, felt excited, in reading this book of Job, amidst the emotions that I felt in my miscarriage.
As I read the Book of Job, I gather lots of words of wisdom from God, reading the Life Application Bible.
We may not suffer because of sin but we cannot sin when we are suffering.
Faith in God is far more important than Job's desire for an explanation for his suffering.
Don't let any experience drive a wedge between you and God. Although you can't control how Satan may attack, you can always choose how you will respond when it happens.
God is sufficient, we must hold on to him.
God alone knew the purpose behind Job's suffering, and yet he never explained it to Job. In spite of this, Job never gave up on God - even in the midst of suffering. He never placed his hope in his experience, his wisdom, his friends, or his wealth. Job focused on God. [This point answered Proverbs 3:6 (NIV) "In all your ways submit to him".]
Job showed the kind of trust we are to have. When everything is stripped away, we are to recognise that God is all we ever really had. We should not demand that God explain everything. God gives us himself, but not all the details of his plans. We must remember that this life, with all its pain, is not our final destiny.
Face life with the answers and explanations held back. Only then would Job's faith fully develop.
We must experience life as Job did - one day at a time and without complete answers to all of life's questions.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28 (NIV)
When I finished reading the Book of Job, I applied to my situation.
I may not suffer because of sin but I cannot sin when I am suffering (in pain).
Faith in God is far more important than my desire for an explanation for the miscarriage and J's condition.
Don't let any experience in my miscarriage and J's condition drive a wedge between me and God. Although I can't control how Satan may attack, I can always choose how I will respond when it happens.
God is sufficient, I must hold on to him.
God alone knew the purpose behind my suffering, and yet he never explained to me. In spite of this, I must never give up on God - even in the midst of suffering. I must never place my hope in my experience, my wisdom, my friends, or my wealth. Focus on God.
When everything is stripped away, I am to recognise that God is all we ever really had. I should not demand that God explain everything. God gives me himself, but not all the details of his plans. I must remember that this life, with all its pain, is not my final destiny.
Face life with the answers and explanations held back. Only then would my faith fully develop.
I must experience life as Job did - one day at a time and without complete answers to all of life's questions.
A friend who had been through multiple miscarriages and a stillbirth who has 2 beautiful children, encouraged me with this song God Moves in a Mysterious Way by Lori Sealy.
I will forever carry the baby in my heart. And I know I will see my baby in heaven.
The top Clear blue kit has a conception indicator.
This was taken at 4w2d pregnancy, which shows I was already conceived at 2 - 3 weeks.
Thank you, Jesus!
As 2016 is drawing to a close, the one thing that I want to thank Jesus is that HE gave me the anointing power to have the courage to go through my journey with J and the physical and emotional pains of miscarriage especially that I was facing the news alone from the Gynae because hubby has to be with J. But no, HE has not forsaken me. HE was with me when I was with the Gynae. Each time, HE has been my biggest comforter, in my miscarriage, in my other situations. Each time, as I was having the emotional roller coaster ride, I felt his love and his hope. Jesus alone, is sufficient. I held onto him. I am made stronger. December, is still, my favourite time of the year. And I want to thank Jesus for the many friends and pastors that HE has put into my lives, particularly this year and they have been very accommodating and trying to support and help J and I. And I am ever grateful and thankful for that.
"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." - Psalm 130:5 (NIV)
In the light of his face, all our questions died, all our questions fade away. Miracles happen, when I fixed my eyes on Jesus Christ.
Thank you Jesus! And I pray "God, hold my hand, I want to trust you and partner with you, in my journey with J, in my marriage, in my walk with you, in everything I do, everything in 2017. Restore me, restore my health. Thank you God. In Jesus Name, AMEN..."
Dear friends, if you are like me, having a special needs child, facing the challenges in your journey with a special child and/or suffered miscarriage or stillbirth, I hope my story will encourage you. Don't lose hope. Jesus is never failing, Lean upon HIM. Hold onto HIM. Hold onto the hope. Jesus alone, is sufficient for us. And I pray God's strength and peace, be with you, as you walk through your life journey with HIM. AMEN.
I never like gardening. It was by chance, in September 2016, I was feeling down so I just wanted to stay at home with J. I felt that bringing J out was extremely tiring because I not only had to tend to him but I had to guard others against him, in case, he started to hit or scratch others. He could not fully fathom people's emotions and what "pain" means and why it is inappropriate to interact with others by hitting or scratching. And no others can accept their own child being "attacked". Most parents will end up angry or upset, which is understandable and I have to keep apologising.
Autism is a social-relational disorder. But not many people can understand the impact of this disorder. And with the over-stimulation of the outside environment, that over-stimulation can put their little bodies into "freeze", "flight" or "fight" mode. For J, all these over-stimulation puts him in "fight" mode. Thus, some of the hitting/scratching/biting/kicking behaviour are due to these over-stimulation as a way "to take care of their sensory challenges". Further explanation in Autistics Logistics by Kate C. Wilde.
Anyway, I realised the beauty and joy of nurturing and witnessing the plants grow from seed to seedling to young plant to mature plant. For some species of plants, the next stage is flowers, then fruit (if there is). Each day, it grows taller and stronger until it is ready to be harvested. I also learnt that 2 basil plants, though of same family, are unique - the leaves pattern, size, shape and flowers are different.
My Garden
As I was doing my gardening, I realise I am the keeper of these plants. God uses me to water and nurture these plants but it is still God giving these plants sunlight and air. Though I'm the gardener, I never know how these plants will grow or turn out. Together in our partnership, these plants grow taller and stronger, flourish and be harvested. And it is always with joy and excitement to see each stage and ultimately, the harvest. And I begin to enjoy each process.
Soon-to-be harvested Chye Sim
Isn't our parenting journey the same? Together in partnership with God, we nurture our little ones from baby to toddler to child to teenager to young adult to adulthood. And it is always with joy, laughter and excitement to see each stage and ultimately, filled with pride and celebrate, every of their little achievements.
It's a blessing to be able to see J doing his planting & watering of some of the plants, to be able to talk to him about one of the wonderful creation of God and to be able to hear him exclaimed, with joy and excitement, "Mummy, mummy, it's growing!"
My little helper helping to transfer the parsley plant to a bigger pot, so that we can have more harvest. J helped with transferring the soil & adding in new soil.
For parents who are going through the same journey as me, I encouraged you to try gardening. It is a great respite and if you do it with your child, it is a great bonding session!
Yes! Since Tuesday (6th Dec 2016), it has been just joining, celebration and 3Es. We did about 2 hours per day. It was much fun, interacting with J and going into his world.
Joining
J has been obsessed with lift. So I joined him with his isms. He is a verbal child. So most of his isms come with lots of verbal speeches and imaginary lift at a place. We will "take lift" to different levels. "Going Up" and "Going Down" were the repeated phrases. The levels can range from B10 (Basement 10) to Level 150 (I'm amazed at his imagination!). He would interact with me but the interaction is a false green light because of the rigidity involved. There were instances when he would said "No" if I added in any new ideas. In this case, I would have to let him take the lead or take control.
But when it was a sustained green light, I added in songs like "This is the way the lift goes up, the lift goes up, the lift goes up, this is the way the lift goes up and we are at Level 4". There were times when I paused to let him fill in the blanks and sing. It came to a point when his imagination included going to the carpark to drive a car. Just yesterday, I added in one more item. That is, when we were in the car, it was raining! And he liked the idea.
It was so fun!
Celebration
I thanked him and tell him how much I love it when he looked me in the eyes. I thanked him when he said "No" to some of my ideas. When he came up with new ideas, I celebrated with him too.
3Es
The 3Es stand for Energy, Excitement and Enthusiasm. I did that whether in the playroom or out of the playroom. And it brought tremendous result. J felt motivated and he brought in lots of new ideas.
During the Son-Rise Program® Startup, I have learnt that one of the ways to help our children on the spectrum is to create a playroom (Sounds Fun!). The purpose of this playroom is to have extreme temporary environment in extreme permanent environment as there will be no stimulation, giving our child the most safe and distraction-free room, to enable them to learn all the fundamentals of social development (i.e. eye contact, non-verbal communication, flexibility, language, etc). And we can get different volunteers to work with our child. One of our job is to train the volunteers as well.
J already has a playroom.
But the ideal Son-Rise Program® playroom encourage having a shelf,
to enable the child to learn to ask for things, one of the skills for language building.
The purpose is to have low or minimal stimulation so I took out the playmat.
If you notice, the playmat is too colourful.
After discussion, Hub and I felt we can omit the playmat since J aren't prone to falling.
The ideal Son-Rise Program® playroom encourage having a shelf,
to enable the child to learn to ask for things and to have a mirror too.
J is used to asking for things that are kept in those boxes,
which has helped in his language and interaction skill.
Hence, for the time being, we remain as it is.
The playroom is about 80% done. But I am already eager to start.
