Why, God, Why?

In a few hours time, 2016 will be coming to an end. It has been 3 weeks that I have not penned anything down on this blog as I was going through a miscarriage at 6w2d. Since I was a child, December has always been my favourite time of the year because I love the festive moods, I get to celebrate my birthday and Christmas. But this year, it has been a sombre mood.

What Happen?

I had bleeding on 12th Dec 2016. For that whole week, it was a painful week - both physically and emotionally. The cramping pain kept getting more and more intense when day 2 came. For the first 4 days, I was in and out of Early Pregnancy Unit (EPU) and Emergency Room (ER). I did not sleep for the 3 nights since Monday. It was torturous. Since Day 1, I already had that inkling feeling that I would lose this baby. The doctor's fear was that this could be an etopic pregnancy because the first ultrasound scan on Monday already showed that there was no gestational sac but partly because my HCG was less than 1500. (In order to view the ultrasound scan, HCG has to be above 1500). So when I was back home, I was crying, dealing with physical cramps, non-stop bleeding and praying that this would not be an etopic pregnancy and if God wills it, that this pregnancy be viable. There was no answer.

On Day 2,  I experienced excruciating and terribly unbearable pain. I realised the cramps resembled labour-like contractions. I even passed out clots, which I was not sure how on earth I had the courage to take that clot out from the toilet bowl and examined it.

On Day 3, because of the excruciating and unbearable pain, I was back to the ER at 2 am. However, in the afternoon, based on my HCG reading which has gone down from 731 on Monday to 187 on Wednesday, the Gynae had confirmed the miscarriage. I could not hold back my tears. But the good news was etopic pregnancy was ruled out (Thank God!). I was given oral painkillers and discharged from the ER.

However, on Day 4, I was back to the ER as the oral painkiller was not enough to curb my pain. I was rolling on my bed. While it did led me to drowsiness, when I wanted to close my eyes to sleep (I haven't been sleeping for the past 3 nights), I was awaken by the intense labour-like contractions. In the end, I had overdosage of painkillers. I took 8 painkillers in a span of 9 hours. At the same time, while going through the physical ordeal, I was crying for my lost baby. Finally, the Gynae decided to admit me for 4 days to inject me with a stronger drug because of the number of drug allergies that I have, I could not take the two major pain killers.

After I was injected with the first dosage of that stronger drug, I felt immediate drowsiness and for the first time in this ordeal, I don't feel the labour pain! I literally had forgotten my situation, my physical pain, my emotional pain and my feelings. I just put on my earpiece, turned on Praise & Worship song, immersed in the comfort and presence of God and slept with the music. I felt peace. For 3 days, I was administered the drug day and night before I napped and slept. In fact, for the first time, I was able to sleep through the night till morning. However, it was only on the last night at the hospital that I went back to oral painkiller and I realised I could not sleep through the night. My situation, my emotional pain, mild cramps (much bearable pain) and my feelings all came back.

The Aftermath

After I was discharged on Sunday, also the 7th day of my bleeding but the bleeding has subsided and became brown spotting, I felt I was back to reality. At the same time, I felt weak, perhaps from losing too much blood and the intense pain. I cried in my bedroom, though I was supposed to be on bed rest and sleep. I felt terrible. I felt hurt. I felt pain. I did not want to meet anyone, face to face or talk to anyone. I had this thought - Why Me? I have many questions. I searched the internet for answers - Why did the miscarriage happen? All websites pointed to the fact that it is never my fault. It is not something I ate or I did. It is common to have early pregnancy loss. It could be due to chromosomal defects so the pregnancy could not continue. Miscarriage is the body's natural way to expel defects in the pregnancy.

And later on, I began to talk to God "Why do I have a son who is different and now, I have to lose my baby? Is it not enough for me? Why do I have to go through this? And this has to happen, nearing the end of 2016. God, weren't you the one stirred in Alex and my heart to have a second child? Since 2015, you brought strangers, even in the bus and stirred in me to have a second child. And God, you even told Alex, on separate occasion in 2016, that it is the time now. We have obeyed but only to go through this miscarriage. Why?"

For the whole of 2016, it has been a roller coaster rides of downs and ups with the challenges of J.

As I recalled, from January to April, I was feeling down. Particularly because, during that period, J had lots of aggressive episodes. His father and I were being hit, bit, scratched and pinched. And it was not only us, when we brought him out, he did those aggressive stunts on other babies and children. We were puzzled and had no answers. We did the discipline as well, but it did not work.

Only in end April, through the sermons on "First Love of God" that I began to see hope. That only lasted till August, when in one of the outings, J hurt a girl because she snatched something in his hands. The mum was very upset and she said words that hurt me to the core. After I forgave her, which the Holy Spirit prompted me to, I began to feel better. But there were days that I do feel down but God just reassured me, with the hope.

Then came November, it was this pregnancy. Though hubby and I weren't prepared for it, we still felt happy with this child because we knew that it was God who bless us with this child and led us to have this child. At the same time, I also attended the Son-Rise Program and I saw how I can use the strategy for J, how it met my expectation. I was so excited. In fact, through the course, I have identified the cause of J's aggressive behaviours (we now call it 'Intense Energy').

In early December, right after the course, after dinner, J went to scratch a baby. The mother was extremely upset. The whole episode was very traumatising and we ended up in police station. I felt affected for awhile but I felt for the sake of the pregnancy, I had to be aware of my emotions. Then came the fateful day on 12th Dec 2016, the miscarriage happened.

When I thought of all the events happening in 2016 and the roller coaster rides of emotions, I can't help but asked God "Why?" I even recalled the first time in Feb 2015, when I first knew of J's condition - How lost I was too, at that time.

Jesus, the Healer

There were some friends who asked me "How am I?" or "How are you doing?". There were friends who did not know what truly has happened and there were friends who knew what has happened. It is a simple question but it brought me lots of tears and thoughts. For those who knew what has happened. How should I answer? Do I tell them what they want to hear or do I tell them the truth? For both groups of friends, I just answer a matter-of-factly "OK". But am I really OK?

Perhaps physically, I am. My bleeding has stopped. Pain has more or less subsided. But what is left is the "after-birth" ailments like mild cramps - I guess the uterus is trying to go back to normal size. But which has caused the backache and fatigue - I am easily tired and sleepy. At times, I am dizzy too, which I almost blackout, perhaps due to the loss of blood, even just standing.

Emotionally? Not really. Because I had been talking to God since the day I was hospitalised, yet no answer. And I was dealing with different emotions all at the same time.

There were some friends who asked me "What happened?" And for some of the friends, I told them what happened. After I disclosed to them about the miscarriage and the unexpected physical pains and emotional turmoil in this miscarriage, I was surprised that they had been through miscarriages as well - Some 1 miscarriage and some 2 miscarriages. But the Lord has restored them and they are blessed with beautiful and healthy child(ren) after that. They told me the emotional pains that they went through as well and how broken they were. And that made me felt I was not alone.

One friend told me she just wanted to be a human, to allow herself to grieve, doubt, question and tell God how she felt. All feelings are neither right nor wrong. Even to be angry [I never felt anger]. God needs to hear us as we are authentic. He is our Father. But do remember to tell him to hold my hand, tell him I want to trust but are struggling.

Another friend told me it is ok that I am not ready to meet people and I don't have to. The big comforter is God himself. He alone will supply the healing and grant me peace in the storm. A lost is a lost. It is important to grief. Ask God to help me be restored and to give me a word.

With these words, I began to open up to God. Yes! He is my Father in Heaven. He wants to hear me, to tell him my human feelings, how I felt - miserable, upset, lost. I asked God to put all these feelings at the feet of Jesus, I asked God to comfort me because he is my biggest comforter, to grant me peace, to hold my hand, to restore my health, to restore me. I trust in God. I trust in his timing. I asked for the word.

2 verses came:

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" - Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV)

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways," declares the Lord. "As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9 (NIV)

These are verses that I memorised, applied it in other situations, even in my journey with J. It encouraged and worked for me, yet when I suffered this miscarriage, I couldn't understand how it is to be applied in this situation. I just lost a baby! I could only fathom Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding." I questioned myself, "How am I to submit to him" in my miscarriage, with all the overwhelming emotions? I prayed and asked God.

On Christmas Eve, 24th Dec 2016, I was stirred to read the Book of Job. I had read this book before but in the middle of the chapters, I seemed lost especially the conversations between Job and his friends. However, I decided to read it all over again. This time, my understanding deepened. Just as Job felt grief, I am grieving too. And I saw this verse, that speaks to my situation and how I should praise God, even with my miscarriage.

"The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away; May the name of the LORD be praised." - Job 1:21 (NIV)

I felt compelled to finish reading this whole book of Job, which I used to feel lost. This time, I, in fact, felt excited, in reading this book of Job, amidst the emotions that I felt in my miscarriage.

As I read the Book of Job, I gather lots of words of wisdom from God, reading the Life Application Bible.

1. We may not suffer because of sin but we cannot sin when we are suffering.
2. Faith in God is far more important than Job's desire for an explanation for his suffering.
3. Don't let any experience drive a wedge between you and God. Although you can't control how Satan may attack, you can always choose how you will respond when it happens.
4. God is sufficient, we must hold on to him.
5. God alone knew the purpose behind Job's suffering, and yet he never explained it to Job. In spite of this, Job never gave up on God - even in the midst of suffering. He never placed his hope in his experience, his wisdom, his friends, or his wealth. Job focused on God. [This point answered Proverbs 3:6 (NIV) "In all your ways submit to him".]
6. Job showed the kind of trust we are to have. When everything is stripped away, we are to recognise that God is all we ever really had. We should not demand that God explain everything. God gives us himself, but not all the details of his plans. We must remember that this life, with all its pain, is not our final destiny.
7. Face life with the answers and explanations held back. Only then would Job's faith fully develop.
8. We must experience life as Job did - one day at a time and without complete answers to all of life's questions.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" - Romans 8:28 (NIV)

When I finished reading the Book of Job, I applied to my situation.

1. I may not suffer because of sin but I cannot sin when I am suffering (in pain).
2. Faith in God is far more important than my desire for an explanation for the miscarriage and J's condition.
3. Don't let any experience in my miscarriage and J's condition drive a wedge between me and God. Although I can't control how Satan may attack, I can always choose how I will respond when it happens.
4. God is sufficient, I must hold on to him.
5. God alone knew the purpose behind my suffering, and yet he never explained to me. In spite of this, I must never give up on God - even in the midst of suffering. I must never place my hope in my experience, my wisdom, my friends, or my wealth.  Focus on God.
6. When everything is stripped away, I am to recognise that God is all we ever really had.  I should not demand that God explain everything. God gives me himself, but not all the details of his plans. I must remember that this life, with all its pain, is not my final destiny.
7. Face life with the answers and explanations held back. Only then would my faith fully develop.
8. I must experience life as Job did - one day at a time and without complete answers to all of life's questions.

A friend who had been through multiple miscarriages and a stillbirth who has 2 beautiful children, encouraged me with this song God Moves in a Mysterious Way by Lori Sealy.

I will forever carry the baby in my heart. And I know I will see my baby in heaven.

The top Clear blue kit has a conception indicator.
This was taken at 4w2d pregnancy, which shows I was already conceived at 2 - 3 weeks.



Thank you, Jesus!

As 2016 is drawing to a close, the one thing that I want to thank Jesus is that HE gave me the anointing power to have the courage to go through my journey with J and the physical and emotional pains of miscarriage especially that I was facing the news alone from the Gynae because hubby has to be with J. But no, HE has not forsaken me. HE was with me when I was with the Gynae. Each time, HE has been my biggest comforter, in my miscarriage, in my other situations. Each time, as I was having the emotional roller coaster ride, I felt his love and his hope. Jesus alone, is sufficient. I held onto him. I am made stronger. December, is still, my favourite time of the year. And I want to thank Jesus for the many friends and pastors that HE has put into my lives, particularly this year and they have been very accommodating and trying to support and help J and I. And I am ever grateful and thankful for that.

"I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in His word I put my hope." - Psalm 130:5 (NIV)

Today, my pastor sent me this song Take Courage by Kristene DiMarco.

I declared and speak the word

In the light of his face, all our questions died, all our questions fade away. Miracles happen, when I fixed my eyes on Jesus Christ.

Thank you Jesus! And I pray "God,  hold my hand, I want to trust you and partner with you, in my journey with J, in my marriage, in my walk with you, in everything I do, everything in 2017. Restore me, restore my health. Thank you God. In Jesus Name, AMEN..."

Dear friends, if you are like me, having a special needs child, facing the challenges in your journey with a special child and/or suffered miscarriage or stillbirth, I hope my story will encourage you. Don't lose hope. Jesus is never failing, Lean upon HIM. Hold onto HIM. Hold onto the hope. Jesus alone, is sufficient for us. And I pray God's strength and peace, be with you, as you walk through your life journey with HIM. AMEN.